


Thomas Sanders' Sing-A-Long Vlog

by foreverinprinxietyhell



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Bonding, Clinical Depression, Comforting words, Coping, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Dissociation, Dogs, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heart-to-Heart, Hugs, Identity Issues, Jigsaw Puzzles, Listening to Music, M/M, My Personality Q&A, Numbness, Panic Attacks, Power of Words, Self-Worth Issues, Snacks & Snack Food, Song Lyrics, lack of motivation, lyric analysis, support system
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-03-02 14:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13319985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverinprinxietyhell/pseuds/foreverinprinxietyhell
Summary: Based on the My Personality Q&A where all the Sides were asked to use a song title to express how they were feeling, we take a look at WHY they chose those particular songs!





	1. I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Interpreting emotions through the usage of song was not a new concept to the YouTuber as a video around asking each facet of his personality questions to learn more about them, so it should not have been such a shock that his anxious side related to such a depressing song. He was quite concerned though not as quite a level as Virgil’s significant other whom did not know exactly how to deal with this problem. 

“Are you alright, Roman? You seem a bit off…” Thomas stated in a delicate manner in order to avoid upsetting him any further especially since it seemed the fanciful one was seconds away from breaking down.

“Not after what happened. Am I the reason for him feeling that way?”

“I have no idea, but I do know you should talk to him and find out.”

“He needed space…”

“Well, go ground him before he floats away.”

Rolling periwinkle irises at such a silly statement the prince decided to take subtle advice by starting a search for the somber soul paired with romantically, giving up twenty-five minutes later only to find the man hiding under a pile of blankets in his room, which made worry escalate since the two had not yet shared beds. Not knowing how to approach the lackluster lump of flesh, he started to carefully add weight onto the empty side of a king sized mattress when movements paused upon noticing twin trails of mascara running down pale cheeks as a thinner frame started to tremble uncontrollably at attempts of holding unstable emotions inside.

“Before you ask I am _not_ okay.”

“I’ll get the Hagen Daaz.”

“Don’t.” he demanded in a timid voice as red-rimmed eyes looked up through a thick layer of bangs to freeze the other into place, “Please do what I can’t and stay.” 

“What ever could you mean by that?”

"Forget iI said anything..." 

“Afraid that’s not an option, hon.”

_“Face it, you’re never gonna make it. I don’t wanna make it, I just wanna..”_

Words died as soon as they formed on full lips once he read between lines of lyrics that faded away in a similar way to a person who did not want to be around much longer; Anxiety was known to exhibit a gothic style even in music choice, so the true meaning validated his existence until bottled energy was released in an oil spill. Moving closer into the crinkled comforter, a softened palm cupped around one dampened cheek as a thumb pad wiped away the black teardrops despite appendages becoming stained semi-permanently, a sensitive heart threatened to crack in half at the pitiful puckered mouth to try and prevent another sharp sob from escaping despite a slight squeak coming out instead.

“What’s hurting my dark and stormy night? You know I’ll slay it.”

“I don’t know where to start…”

“Take your time, I’m here to help.”

“I wish I could help myself, but doesn’t seem possible…”

“We all need a little help sometimes.” Roman remarked in a soothing voice while sitting patiently as a glazed over gaze directed downward toward a patchwork of lime green and lavender squares instead of a weighted watch.

Strongly sighing as if trying to expel negative energy from within, the anxious embodiment tried to gain complete composure prior to picking himself up onto slender legs tucked underneath as arms crossed in front protectively. He trusted this man with every fiber of his existence, yet when there was a desire to get rid of it all at once trust seemed farther out of reach than grabbing the one person who could actually help end such suffering, “All the times I’ve cried out, no one has been around to hear.”

“I’m always here, you should know that.”

“I do, but… A voice of doubt always convinces me that you’ll leave one day and never come back, I can’t help but listen.”

“Can you tune it out?”

“I’ve tried so hard over the past few weeks, but nothing seems to work.”

“Are there thoughts about… About hurting yourself?”

“Sometimes, if I’m honest with myself,” Virgil admitted after a moment of silence, chipped polished nails picking at a loose thread pulled at with a weak grip, “They’re fleeting, I’ve not harmed myself.”

“Virgil, please don’t do it.”

“I don’t want to, but at the same time I feel like nothing else will help. Then I look at you and remember that at least one person wants me.” 

Caught off guard by the sudden confession that he was the reason that kept an appealing escape at bay as murky water lapped n a tempting rhythm in every attempt at persuasion to go through with the act. Leaning his forehead against the other’s Roman refused to respond verbally while attempting to use breathing techniques to calm down the crying mess, respiration starting to steadily synchronize, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I never want to disappoint you, I was convinced it was better this way.”

“That’s poppycock, I could never find any reason not to be proud of my boyfriend.”

“Even with our constant banter? Sure it’s eased up, but sometimes it still stings.”

“Well, I’ll make sure to be extra sensitive the next time. How does that sound?”

“Promising.”

Lifting up the worn out worrier into welcoming arms the creative creation kept a wary watch over upon his partner as a blank look returned to the surface of a pale face, his heart constricting in a fit of quickly felt panic before being wiped away easily with a soft snort of air as the corners of a frown lifted upward. Not wanting to ruin the moment he allowed the burst of unexpected happiness to grow to a blinding beam that could not be blocked out by thick grey storm clouds that usually accompanied the younger personality trait, “Dunno why I lose sight of you sometimes.”

“It’s because you’re looking in the wrong direction,” Roman simply stated as fingers combed through the veil of violet bangs to look into directly into darkly underlined eyes so not a beat of what needed to be said would be missed, “Start looking forward instead of back, okay?”

“Easier said than done, hon, but I think it’s doable as long as I’ve got my right hand man.”

“I’ll be there to concur what you cannot.” 

“I’m holding you to that claim.”

“A prince never goes back on his word especially to then person he’ll hopefully rule the kingdom with one day.”


	2. Comfortably Numb

Hard to say how one felt when there was nthing at all, it was not even a comfortable numb; emotions were not the strong suit of a logical person, which usually seemed like an ideal situation until the distance caused by avoiding acknowledging that part of one’s identity alerted a significant other of the problem at hand. Trying his best to reassure that nothing was wrong, a dry throat constricting as if unspoken words were going to choke him if they were not released aloud as a hard, dry swallow made them disappear.

“You alright there, specs?” the anxiety ridden side asked, a knowing look coloring a usually paler than average face, “Seems like you’re keeping a secret.”

“Nonsense, why would I hide any information from you?”

“I dunno, you just seem distant all of a sudden.”

“It was just a thought like me.”

Eyebrow arching curiously the other looked up at the man who’s lap he sat in as a faraway gaze glazed over periwinkle irises that were usually always in focus unless pages were being read. Worriedly, Virgil placed a soft peck against a clenched jawline prior to sitting upright to face his partner who seemed to be distracted by an unseen force that was just above a slightly bent forward shoulder, his throat clearing to capture the wandering attention.

“Hello, is there anybody in there?” 

“Your lips are moving, Verge, but I can’t quite make out what you’re saying…”

“You’re scaring me, babe. Why are you acting like this?” 

“It’s complicated.” 

“Please tell me, you know I worry.”

Glancing downward at a plum colored bedspread the logical person processed what exactly was going on from within even though he could not quite put a finger on it entirely. Not wanting to show any trace of vulnerability especially to someone he deemed worthy enough to be in a relationship with, he had bottled away all the nasty thoughts for so long that there was no way to express them without breaking down, balling a fistful of fabric between precise fingers to hold on as angry tears started to roll down his cheeks.

“Shit, is my room hurting you again? We gotta get you out of here…”

“No!” he shouted out in a fiercer voice than was meant to be used,heart faltering for a few beats when the younger one winced at such a suddenly loud noise, “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I don’t want to be left alone.”

“You won’t, we can go to your room instead. Surround you with books and your tie collection.”

“I thought the smell made you anxious?”

“Can’t help that it reminds me of a hospital, but that doesn’t matter right now. You do.”

Shaking his head profusely from side to side, Logan’s silent sobs began to grow in volume until his face was buried into a familiar thin black hoodie as arms wrapped around him securely. At some point a pair of thick rimmed glasses had been set aside on a nearby side table to allow for long held tears to soak into the narrow chest underneath, damp eyelashes closing to hide reddened eyes while a gentle hand stroked the small of his back in circles.

“Not going anywhere, Lo, I’m here,” the anxious entity stated in a soothing tone set to the pace of swirling patterns etched into an arched spine, “And don’t you dare apologize, I can feel you about to do it.”

“But Verge, I’m not supposed to act like this. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing at all, you’re on the road to feeling better. You don’t have to tell me every little detail, but I want to know what’s going on so I can help, if that’s okay.”

Sighing softly as twin river trails began to dry into place along the normally stoic face, his bottom lip trembled as words began to form and falter as cheeks heated with a patchy blush. Not used to being in such a vulnerable position it was a difficult task to open up about what seemed so trivial, yet there was no way that he would let down the one person that meant more to him than vocabulary cards and word association games, “I’m afraid of losing you.”

“Why is that?”

“Much like you, I fret over losing those that matter. We’re so different that I can’t help thinking one day that will only drive us apart and we won’t be together anymore. I-“

“Breathe, babe,” Virgil interrupted, a delicate hand cupping the side of his heated face as the other leaned into the touch after a moment of hesitation, “There’s no need to rush, I want to make sure you feel heard.” 

“This is so silly…”

“It’s not, how you’re reacting is completely normal.”

“I’m not supposed to have emotion though…”

“Well, I wasn’t supposed to be a part of the group and look where I am now. This is where I’m supposed to be, with you.”

Continuing to cling onto the dark over-shirt for comfort, the tightly held grip began to loosen as the counterargument settled in; remembering a time when the two had gone against each other in a debate long ago, Logan knew that in the end they would arrive at a stalemate only resolvable by letting go of a stubborn desire to be right. Nodding silently, he slowly regained composure as pain began to ease after long held pressure had been released, slight sniffles punctuating the air around them as the places that had hurt the longest started to recede on the horizon as waves finally stilled.

“This is not how I am, but I’m grateful that you won’t judge me for breaking character.”

“You’ve been so accepting of my eccentricities it wouldn’t be fair of me not to do the same.” 

“I feel guilty though, for unsettling you for no reason.”

“Why? It’s alright to act like this, I just want you to be mindful of what you’re feeling and nonjudgmental because they’re normal.”

“You know you’re more helpful than you give yourself credit.” 

“’Course you’d say something like that, my little nerd…”

“It’s the truth!”

Sharing in laughter at back and forth banter that ended with foreheads pressed against each other, the two were able to settle down after exchanging a few more words before the troubling topic came to pass. Sadness shaped a different world for everyone whether they wanted to admit it or not, but most were unable to face their biggest worries for fear of appearing weak; Logan was still new to the game, yet with someone so skilled accompanying him it did not feel as daunting to know that the fear of feeling fragile did not seem quite as daunting.


	3. All I Do Is Win

He had never been defeated and would not stop no matter what the challenge might end up being despite a few sending a jolt of fear coursing down his spine; Roman was the epitome of courage, for even though he was a prince the title of knight was preferred. Dragon witches were one thing since they could be slayed with a few dramatic sword slashes, but confronting a long-held crush was entirely different. 

Winning hearts came natural to the royal one but more people who matched his personality were attracted rather than the one he wanted above all else. Constant bickering had been the cause of them not getting along for years until the younger one had gone missing due to feeling like an unneeded part of the group. Excited at first that they were finally rid of Anxiety it did not take him long to realize that without embodiment of a dark and stormy night then there was no way that Thomas would be productive.

Ever since the two decided to put their differences aside after the adventure of chasing after the anxious one had turned into being saved from falling prey to a room designed for corruption as a defense mechanism. Not holding a grudge against Virgil for being overloaded with extreme emotions that left him bitterly, jittery, and not very glittery the royal one had gone out of his way numerous times to make amends by not using insults and learning what items comforted the other during panic attacks; friendship was fast approaching another level that was inevitable for the romantic persona, yet he did not want to ruin what progress had been made in the last few months. 

“Verge!” he called out one morning in search for the younger boy, ignoring the tangle of knots his stomach was forming for an unknown reason, frantically checking every room more than once before the two bumped into each other knocking a pair of headphones onto the floor, “S-Sorry, I…”

“It’s no big deal, really. Everything alright?”

“I can’t put my finger on it, but something seems off. For some reason my chest feels tight and it’s hard to breathe.” 

“Why don’t you come destress in my room? It’s quieter and dimmer so you’ll be more at ease.”

“How’d you know?”

“I’m too familiar with being anxious not to notice when someone else is dealing with it,” he reasoned while kneeling down to pick up the discarded ear wear, hanging them around his neck before leading the way to a dark purple door covered with a My Chemical Romance poster, “Excuse the mess, it represents my life.” 

“At least you’re aware of the issue.”

“It’s mostly so you won’t feel inclined to compulsively clean anything like Logan tried to…”

Snorting out a huff of laughter at the comparison, Roman promised not to do such a thing and settled into a side of the bed piled with pillows in different shades of black as he tried to get a grip on how to battle the ball of unnecessary anger rolling around from within. 

“Why don’t we listen to some music?” the host suggested after bringing over two cans of Mountain Dew from a mini fridge in a corner of the dark room, “Any requests? I know how picky you can be.”

“Anything will do at this point… None of my tunes did the trick.”

Skipping through a few songs that screamed pure metal, Virgil switched to a playlist that was hardly ever listened to except on days when depression seemed like a distant memory. A paused song restarted from the beginning a loud, boisterous beat filled the room, startling the sensitive soul at first before realizing that the song was helping the other feel slightly better, “Seriously Ro?”

“You’re the one who played it.”

“Unintentionally! No wonder you have such a massive ego.”

“You’re one to talk My Chemically Imbalanced Romance…”

“You can’t always rely on a catchy song to solve your problems.”

“I disagree.”

“What about needing me?”

Aware of the mistake made at criticizing one’s musical taste in such a condescending tone, the younger one averted his gaze to ripped black jeans as the soda tab was fiddled with after taking a long sip. The two refused to look at each other as the song continued until the last chord faded into nothing, the royal persona being the first to speak up once the quiet atmosphere swelled into a bothersome bubble that would not pop, “I apologize for being rude, I came to you for help and insulted you in the process.”

“Don’t be, I wasn’t exactly welcoming.”

“You have been lately, ya know?” Roman asked as he dared to sneak a peek at the pessimistic man, pursing his lips as a blush colored powdered cheeks, “You not only help to make Thomas feel better, you make us all better. I-I honestly don’t think I’d be where I am without you.”

“Why’s that? All I’ve ever done is try tearing you down.”

“Well, you’ve helped remind me that though some ideas can be scary to tackle that they can be accomplished.”

“Having a creative block lately?”

“And my ego has been wounded lately.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Considering that you all just _loved_ my holiday song it’s been hard to come up with anything worth producing.”

“Ro… It’s not that we didn’t like it, I just wish that my part had been a little more relative.”

“I had a lot of stuff going on!”

“Like?”

Falling prey to silence once more, he merely stared at the embodiment of anxiety waiting for him to feel the insecurities that welled within him; being shot down like that in front of everyone he aimed to impress had felt like a bullet twisting from the open wound into his heart, his contributions not being taken seriously. Inspiration dwindled on a thin thread that barely existed upon first glance, for he was overlooked and was steadily losing energy, the aura surrounding him turning to spirals of purple blotches rather than glimmering with flecks of gold glitter, “I’m not good enough for anyone.”

“You are though.” 

“I find that hard to believe,” Roman retorted with a harsh huff, he was his harshest critic after all and if creativity was not reaching its full potential then what was the point of him existing?, “Even the play I put on to help Thomas decide what to do with Joan failed miserably.” 

“That wasn’t your fault! Deceit ruined everything and he didn’t even sound sincere when complimenting you, so why do you care?!”

“I’m not good enough! Is that what you want to hear?!”

Taken aback by the thunderous outburst the anxious boy shrank back against spider patterned wallpaper, heart beating a mile a minute as fight-or-flight instincts kicked in. Willing himself to stay with the prince, he carefully inched closer as self-worth crumbled away to reveal how he felt cast aside, a feeling all too familiar for the younger one, wilting into Virgil’s embrace as soft sobs shook through his form. 

“Prince Roman, you _are_ enough,” he mused into the shell of an ear as soft smooches were pressed into the cartilage, “Without you, Thomas wouldn’t have stood a chance during high school. You were his outlet and you still are!”

“I’ve been holding him back lately…”

“Like I haven’t? There are going to be days where we struggle, but that doesn’t mean we’re wasting anyone’s time,” Virgil continued to muse in a gentle, yet firm tone as tears were wiped away into the stitched together fabric of his black and purple patched hoodie, “Your soul will once again be on fire and you’ll continue to win like you always do.”


	4. I Am the Walrus

“At first this room does bring a jolt of happiness. I feel it myself whenever I come here, but the return to the present can be too much sometimes.”

That line of reasoning from the moral side of Thomas reverberated against the inside of Virgil’s skull every single time he entered; overstimulated anxiety no longer affected him in quite the same way that it had upon reminiscing over a lost love that none of them could seem to let go of entirely. Legs tucked underneath as he perched against a pile of pillows and stuffed animals collected throughout the years his eyes wandered around the cluttered space that would drive the logical one up the wall, snickering at the thought, to watch as Patton worked on a hundred piece puzzle of a golden retriever. 

“How is this so easy for Logan to finish? It’s going to take forever and I just want to see the puppy…” 

“Here, let me help bud.” 

“Are you sure?” he asked, a look of worry already crumpling a softened face since the two usually sat in silence while the younger one calmed down from the stresses that accumulated like snowfall, “I wouldn’t want to overstimulate you.”

Shrugging slumped shoulders the embodiment of anxiety slid down with a cotton candy pink blanket wrapped loosely around him for added comfort as he joined his best friend in the floor. Mindful of not sitting on any of the pieces that had been scattered thoughtlessly across the floorboard he picked up a few edge pieces and started connecting them to form a border, “Here, that should help.”

“Thanks, hon!” 

“No big deal, you were distressed.”

“Ever since that video… I-I never wanted you to see that side of me.”

“Why? All of your emotions are valid, Thomas said so himself.” 

Instead of answering right away the older one looked down as his vision started to blur only evident by slight sniffles he attempted to cover up with a fake cough. Not pressing him on any further, Virgil waited patiently as the two continued to slowly put pieces into designated positions, their hands brushing against each other as the task continued. Taking a break for snacks the two leaned against the mattress, chips and cookies filling their laps as chewing made up for the awkward silence that had descended, a sad sigh let out after biting into white chocolate and macadamia.

“You good, Patton?”

“Kind of,” he mused, little bites nibbled into the sweet treat to distract from the serious demeanor that darkened the edges of a usually pure soul, “I’ve been trying my best to acknowledge all of my feelings, but… I still feel guilty. I’m supposed to be strong for everyone else and it feels icky when I’m not.”

“You always are, buddy. You never lose that bounce in your step even when you’re down in the dumps and it makes me… Better.”

“Virge…”

“Seriously, how do you do it?” 

“Well, there’s so much good in the world that it’s hard not to be excited about especially when there are dogs and cats out there waiting to be pet!”

“Hard to argue with that,” Anxiety remarked with a slight smirk at the sudden jolt of excitement in Patton’s demeanor. Waving his wrist, he nearly lost the ability to keep composed as the other gasped at a small, black puppy filled his lap after the chocolate confections were put out of reach, “Like this little fella?”

“Yes!! Aw hi there little guy!”

“Luckily I learned a few tricks from Roman.” 

“Not fair, I wanna learn how to conjure puppies!” 

“That power in the wrong hands would only do more bad than good.”

Pouting playfully at that response the father figure focused attention on petting the dark ball of fluff as little giggles were let out when licks were given; Patton’s face lit up with a warm glow that had been missing for some time now, his laughs heightening in volume as the two started playing tug-of-war with a piece of ribbon, “You are just too darn cute!”

“Just like you, friendo.” 

“Aww, shucks… You’re a sweetheart, Virge, whether or not you recognize it.”

A bright blush colored usual pale cheeks at the compliment, for he still did not know how to take them without feeling out of place; even though he had been accepted by the main three facets of Thomas’ personality there were still times where he felt out of place. Not saying anything, Virgil got up to stretch his legs as the littered floor was tiptoed around until he came across a discarded, blocky IPod, picking up the silver device to bring it back to where the other two were still stationed. Flicking through a list of older music by using the turn wheel style buttons, his headphones were plugged into the bottom of the music player as a song started, placing the cushioned ear pieces over the older one’s ears.

Blush deepening in color once Patton turned toward him, astonished at the simple act since the accessory was a prized possession that hardly ever left its owner’s side if not strung around the thinner neck. Sitting back to watch as the older persona settled into a comfortable position once more and began to sway slightly back and forth as the lyrics began to drown out any other sound, a soft snicker let out at being able to faintly hear the words since he had not bothered to turn the noise down too much lower than he was used to. 

“Goo goo g'joob, goo goo g' goo g' goo goo g' joob joob joob joob…”

“How’re you feeling now?” Virgil dared to ask once the headphones slipped off and were handed back, a wide grin replacing the forlorn frown from earlier, “Hopefully better.”

“That’s always a tough question to answer, but this puppy and my favorite song sure are helping.”

“That’s a relief. You do so much for the rest of us and deserve someone taking care of you too.” 

“I don’t want to be a bother though, I know you’re not always in a good headspace.” 

“I appreciate that, but at the same time… I just owe you so much. If it weren’t for your friendly personality I’d still be one of them.”

“You’re different than the other Dark Sides though.”

“I know that now, thanks to you,” the youngest of the group responded with a half-smile before it formed fully when he was pulled into a hug as little lick kisses drenched his hand in drool, “How ‘bout we finish that puzzle you were working on?”

“Oh goodness, how could I have forgotten?! Come on!” 

Life did get rough from different times due to unfortunate circumstances, yet that did not completely stop the enjoyment of life; everything in the world is enough although it was quite difficult to remember when the heart was strangled by fond memories longed after years later. Moving on would never stop being difficult, yet when one was surrounded by such a strong support system there was much more hope for the future that would bring about even more memories to hold onto with a certain fondness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out, I was really nervous about this one since last chapters in my series tend to fight me while I'm writing them, but this one cooperated!
> 
> Also, the song that I referenced in the last paragraph ('everything in the world is enough') is a song by Penn Jillette called "No Martyrs, No Saints" if you wanna take a listen!

**Author's Note:**

> This idea would not have been possible without my friend Ashton, who got me into Sanders Sides in the first place, so special shout out to her!


End file.
